GUEST BLOG: The world according to Milky Bar

When I started this blog one of my first posts was about Milky Bar, a cat who visits our garden most days.  I’ve been quite busy since we got back from New Zealand, what with Christmas coming up fast and me not having bought a thing yet for Mrs P, so I invited Milky Bar to write this week’s post on Now I’m 64

But just to be perfectly clear, I take absolutely no responsibility for anything he says.

*

Hello everyone, my name’s Milky Bar!

Hello everyone, my name’s Milky Bar.  At least, that’s what Old Man Platypus calls me, but what does he know, eh?  Him an’ his missus are weirdos, that’s for sure. They gives names to all the cats what visit their garden, call ‘em after types of chocolate!  That’s why I’m Milky Bar, see. An’ then there’s Malteser – he’s a good pal of mine, knows who’s the boss – as well as Minstrel, Oreo an’ Mars Bar.  Not to mention Toblerone, of course.

Me and Malteser. He knows who’s the boss around here: me!

Toblerone!  I ask you, what kind of person calls a cat ‘Toblerone?’  Poor little mouser, no wonder he don’t show his face round ‘ere no more.

But what’s in a name anyway?  Old Man Platypus thinks callin’ me Milky Bar gives him power over me, thinks if he shouts out my name I’ll come runnin’ like some lapdog.  But I won’t. Cats don’t do that sort of thing, not this cat anyway. 

Here I am, planning how to catch a goldfish. Malteser watches the master at work!

Like I care about him, which I don’t, obviously.  I just sit an’ watch him makin’ a fool of himself.  Laughs at him I do, all this “Ooh, what a lovely cat you are, Milky Bar” an’ “Ah, what a little cutie you are, Milky Bar.”  Yuk!

I think he secretly wants me to move in with him at Platypus Towers, like some mistress or his bit on the side.  No way, José. I mean, if he’s serious about this relationship he needs to work at it, buy me stuff an’ all. You know, he’s never once opened a tin of tuna for me, or bought me a packet of Dreamies!  The man’s a total waste of space, that’s what I say.

Who’s a pretty boy then? Ah, that would be me, the one and only Milky Bar

One time he accidentally drops some pellets what he feeds to the goldfish in his pond, then watches to see if I’ll gobble ‘em up.  Maybe he reckons I won’t even notice, that I’ll think them pellets was meant for me. Me? Fooled by some lousy fishfood? I don’t think so!

I’m tellin’ you, Old Man Platypus ain’t got a clue.  If I was writin’ his end-of-term report I’d put “Must try harder” an’ give him a D-minus.  But only if I was feelin’ generous, like.

Sometimes, when it rains, I have a “bad hair day”

What makes it worse is he can be a good bloke when he wants to.  There’s this rabbit what lives in an ‘utch at the bottom of the garden.  Ugly thing it is, ears like a donkey. But Old Man Platypus thinks it’s wonderful, calls it Attila the Bun.  Attila the Bun, get it? No, neither do I.

Attila the Bun. Ears like a donkey, but Old Man Platypus reckons he’s wonderful

Anyway, Old Man Platypus is always out in the garden talkin’ to that rabbit, tellin’ him what a fine fellow he is.  Like the rabbit can understand him, I mean rabbits ain’t clever like cats, are they?

An’ every day he gives this Attila a massive pack of fresh food.  I tell you, that rabbit eats like a king … if kings eat carrots an’ kale an’ cabbage an’ cauliflower an’ celery an’ spinach an’ sprouts an’ watercress an’ lettuce an’ beetroot an’ broccoli an’ rocket an’ apples an’ pea shoots an’ pears.  Not to mention mixed leaf salad, whatever that is.

That rabbit eats like a king, but does Old Man Platypus ever give me tuna? NO, NEVER!

So that’s why I don’t come on too friendly with Old Man Platypus, ‘cos he ain’t serious about me.  I mean, if he was serious like, he’d cut back on stuff for that wretched rabbit an’ give me a nice big bowl of tuna.  Or salmon, of course. At a push I’d even put up with cod, but no, even that’s too much trouble for Mr Parsimonious Ratbag Platypus.  Fishfood, that’s the extent of his generosity where yours truly’s concerned. Huh!

Madame Platypus ain’t much better.  Always creepin’ up on me and pointin’ her camera in my face she is, tellin’ me not to move an’ to look straight into the lens an’ to tilt my head on one side so I look extra cute, an’ never, ever to blink. 

I like to hide under trees and bushes, an’ keep a lookout for them Mice-With-Wings

Sometimes her camera lens is clickin’ away like a flamin’ flamenco dancer playing the castanets. How’s a cat supposed to sleep with all that goin’ on? I tell you, if I had any credit left on my cell phone I’d ring up the cops an’ get her arrested for disturbin’ the peace.

OK, I admit it, she said I could have some of her photos for this blog.  Good job too, means you can see what a fine lookin’ feline I am, most ‘andsome mouser in the neighbourhood.  So Madame Platypus has her uses, only don’t tell her I said so. I mean, we wouldn’t want gettin’ above herself, would we?

One day I climbed on the special table where Old Man Platypus feeds them Mice-With-Wings

An’ to be fair – me, I’m always fair, of course I am – Old Man Platypus has his uses too.  He likes watchin’ them Mice-With-Wings, puts out food for ‘em on a special table, even has a water bath for ‘em. 

Here I am on a bad hair day, drinkin’ from them Mice-With-Wings’ water bath

Typical, ain’t it, food’n’drink for his little feathered friends, and nothin’ for yours truly. But I forgive him ‘cos I loves drinkin’ from that water bath, I do.  On a good day you can taste ‘em in the water, them Mice-With-Wings!

Old Man Platypus don’t do much gardenin’, says he’s got a bad back, but really it’s just ‘cos he’s an idle bugger.  So, ‘cos he don’t cut back the bushes there’s places for me to hide an’ watch the Mice-With-Wings.  Luck me, eh?

Sittin’ on the water bath, watchin’ out for Mice-With-Wings

I caught one once I did, big as a rat it was, more like a Rat-With-Wings.  I tell you, there was feathers everywhere. Tasted OK too, though ‘cos I’m a cosmopolitan kinda cat I prefers tuna.  But that day I felt real great, goin’ back to my roots, showin’ the world just how it’s done. Milky Bar, King of the Urban Jungle, that’s me. 

I’m the King of the Urban Jungle. Here I am, roaring (or maybe yawning?)

Anyway, I’m gonna stop now.  This bloggin’ business is hard work, so I needs a snooze.  An’ some tuna. Are you gettin’ this Old Man Platypus, do I have to spell it out, I needs tuna.  That’s right, T-U-N-A … TUNA!

An’ I needs it now, so be a good chap an’ nip down to the shop an’ buy me some.  About a dozen cans should do nicely. Until next week, that is.

Here I am, the most ‘andsome mouser in the neighbourhood. I’m very modest too. An’ I LOVE tuna!

Postscript: If you’ve enjoyed The World Accordin’ to Milky Bar, please click on “comment” and tell Old Man Platypus. If enough people tell him they like what I’ve written maybe he’ll let me have another go! With love from your new Best Friend Forever, the cat what always gets the cream (but never any tuna), the one and only Milky Bar. 😺

And now, a message from Old Man Platypus: Milky Bar isn’t the first cat to claim ownership of our garden, although he is the rudest. Old Man Platypus indeed! Click on the link below to find out about Sid, a much politer cat who used to visit.

11 comments

  1. Ann Mackay · January 3

    Psst, hey Milky Bar, I reckon you should do this again… 🙂

    Like

    • Platypus Man · January 4

      ‘Allo Ann
      I’ve snuck in to use the laptop while Old Man Platypus is upstairs washin’ his hair. Don’t suppose that’ll take long though, even if he washes ’em one at a time 😸, so I’d better be quick. Thank you likin’ what I wrote, at least YOU appreciate me, unlike him. Old Man Platypus just don’t care about me. He gave that rabbit Attila the Bun sprouts on Christmas Day AND on New Years Day, but did he give me tuna? NO HE DID NOT. I tell you. that man’s a disgrace, he just don’t appreciate ‘ow honoured he should be that I visit his garden every day and water his favourite bushes (ha ha ha!) Anyway I can ‘ear him comin’ down the stairs now, singin’ out of tune as usual, so I’d better make a run for it. Thank you again for gettin’ in touch.
      With luv from your new Best Friend Forever,
      Milky Bar

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ann Mackay · January 4

        Aw, Milky Bar, at least he didn’t offer the sprouts to you…trust me, you wouldn’t like them! Don’t give up hope on the tuna! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. D65 · January 18

    Good morning Milky Bar! You are absolutely adorable and I wish I could give you a hug pat!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Platypus Man · January 19

      ‘Allo D65, Milky Bar ‘ere, usin’ the laptop while Old Man Platypus is upstairs shavin’ and doin’ ‘is ‘air. I tell you, he could spend a week in front of the mirror and still not be ‘alf as good lookin’ as me. I like you D65, even though your name is weirder than a mouse with two tails, anyone what thinks I’m adorable is OK with me. I bet you’d give me some tuna, wouldn’t you, not like that misery-guts Old Man Platypus. With love from your new Best Friend Forever: Milky Bar.

      Like

  3. T Ibara Photo · June 4

    I couldn’t help but laugh after re-visiting this post. Milky Bar, you are quite a hoot! 🙂
    From a fan in Japan,
    Takami

    Liked by 1 person

    • Platypus Man · June 5

      ‘Ohayo gozaimasu,’ Takami-san, Milky Bar here on the laptop while Old Man Platypus is out at the supermarket. Do you think he’ll buy me any tuna? No, neither do I, I’ve known ‘im for 2 or 3 years an’ he’s never once got me tuna, so I don’t suppose he’ll start today. But you seem like a nice person, Takami-san, maybe you can help? Just send me some sushi, an’ I’ll be your new best friend. About 10 kilograms should do nicely…until next week, when you could send some more. With love from your ‘ichiban gaijin neko’,’ the most handsome cat in the world, his majesty Milky Bar. 😻😻😻

      Liked by 1 person

      • T Ibara Photo · June 6

        Hello dear Milky Bar-kun,
        I am flattered to received a reply from you! I do hope Mr. P will soften up and buy you some tuna – humans can be unpredictable, so you never know when there will be a special surprise 😉

        I would love to send you some sushi, but international flights from Japan are stalled for the moment, so the fish would go bad, which would be an awful waste of fish, and keep you waiting for a long time 😦 I will keep fingers crossed for Mr and Mrs P to have a sudden revelation to get you some tuna 😀

        Always your friend,
        Takami

        Liked by 1 person

      • Platypus Man · June 6

        “Domo arigato gozaimashita, Takami-sama,” I am honoured that a lovely Japanese lady should write to a humble English house-cat. 😻 I expect you are right about the sushi, and also about Old Man Platypus. He tries his best, poor thing, but he’s very old, and quite forgetful too! Maybe one day he will surprise me. Maybe…

        Your friend

        Milky Bar 😺

        PS Instead of sushi, perhaps you could send a big box of dragonflies? Please? 😹

        Liked by 1 person

      • T Ibara Photo · June 7

        Alright, dear Mr. Milky Bar. Let me see what I can do 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • Platypus Man · June 7

        😸😸😸

        Like

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